0001200This will probably be one of the hardest posts I ever write. I have emetophobia, the fear of vomit. Just typing out and reading that word sends shivers down my spine. Looking at my past I wish I could sit here and give you a finite reason as to why I fear this. Sadly, I canāt. I can see warning signs from my childhood but whatever pulled the trigger and caused my mind to completely turn inwards on itself might always be a mystery for me.
When I was younger there were things I didnāt enjoy doing and still don’t. I didnāt enjoy sleep overs or overnight camps. I never liked to be far away from my family for any extended period of time. I donāt remember what my exact reasoning was for avoiding these types of events. I donāt know if I feared the unknown or feared not having the safety net of my parents. When it came to sickness I knew I didnāt like it but I would never say I feared it. Usually if I was ever actually ill I was fine twenty minutes later. I was back to being a typical kid in no time.
In my high school years my avoidance for things grew. I no longer liked to eat out at restaurants with my friends. I would still go out but I would eat before and sit there to be social. Once again, at the time I didnāt see any fear there, I simple favored my mothersā cooking. Another telling story was my first real high school party. I remember taking two sips of a friends drink at a party and immediately thinking that I didnāt feel very well. All I knew from drinking was from the movies, when you drank too much you got sick, and I didnāt want that to happen. Looking back now I can see the blood in the water. There was something lurking under the surface waiting for me to have a moment of vulnerability to strike.
My first semester of college was wonderful. It was the epitome of the stereotypical ānormalā. I went to class, made friends, and even went out at night. I continued to not drink. I simply had no desire. First semester came to a close and I was able to go home for two months for the holidays. Little did I know, that my life would never be the same when I returned to school.
I canāt tell you what happened. I didnāt get sick one night. I didnāt watch someone else get sick either. All I know is that I returned to school and suddenly I couldnāt eat. Every time I put food into my mouth I would gag like my body was immediately rejecting it. I was suddenly petrified that anything I ate would give me food poisoning. I had never had food poisoning in my entire life, these fears seemed so unfounded. I survived on smoothies and salads from the cafeteria. I ate anything I thought was safe which wasnāt much. I lost 15 pounds. This put my already small frame at just 100 pounds total. I knew it was time to find some help.
I started seeing a therapist but as with anything dealing with my phobia was a struggle. I suddenly didnāt want to eat at restaurants. No part of me wanted to āgrab lunchā with a friend. I always felt as though people were asking me to climb a mountain and they didnāt even know it. I equate it to someone who has a phobia of spiders and every day you ask them to hold your pet tarantula. Inside they are screaming but on the outside they smile and say okay because they believe they shouldnāt be afraid.
Soon that small monster in my head expanded trying to grab every experience it could find for itself. Soon I wasnāt just fearful when I was eating but at all times of the day. Going on a boat, or to amusement parks, someday being pregnant, flu season, taking medication, or anything that could potentially cause nausea was suddenly like a mental mine field. Many people with phobias/anxiety will tell you that we know the thoughts we are having are irrational, but we canāt help but to have them anyway. It takes a lot of mental energy to stave off this onslaught of fear and panic on a daily basis. I was being consumed by something only I could take control of.
Fighting my phobia became a battle I was determined to win. I pushed myself through situations outside my comfort zone. Anytime a situation came up I feared I would try to ask myself āDo I truly want to do this even though it scares me?ā If the answer was yes I did all I could to pull through that situation. I leaned on the support of my small group of friends and family that I had brought into my world.
Iām not saying it worked every time. I wish I could, but that is not the reality of the anxiety that follows my phobia around. Iāve ignored phone calls and event invitations. Iāve left parties without saying a word to anyone. Iāve intentionally missed a flight. Even with this elimination diet I feel fear, fear of regressing when it comes to food. When a doctor tells you it’s not only okay but recommended to not eat at a restaurant for months it’s hard to not let myself get back into the thoughts of avoidance as being okay. My phobia does all it can to tear me down and I do all I can to not let it.
Throughout the years my phobia has ebbed and flowed in its intensity. Through times of intense change, like starting work or doing this elimination diet. I know to keep an eye on that corner of my brain. I keep a watchful eye on the monster for warning signs of an attack. Making sure to do my best to not allow my stress threshold to boil over. Every day is a fight, and I plan to win. No matter how long it takes.
Emetophobia is a very common phobia but itās not one thatās talked about often. When I started to have these uncontrollable thoughts I felt very alone in the world. If you or someone you know has emetophobia please donāt be afraid to reach out to someone whether that be a good friend, a professional, or even me. I would love to meet you and hear as much of your story that you are willing to share.
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I have never heard of emetophhocia before. Keep on fighting and I am sure you will win the battle.
Thank you Anne!
What a struggle! I have never heard of this before, but can see how it would invade your life so dramatically! Go you . . . you can do this!
Thank you Lori!
You explained it so well. Hope you someday don’t need to struggle anymore and enjoy your life to the fullest.
What a great comment thanks Esther!
It’s amazing you opened up about this. So many people are afraid of talking about their fear. They fear others won’t understand or think they are weird when the reality is you can’t control it. It’s a real struggle but your courage in opening up is awesome. I hope it helps you fight back and helps others fight as well. Good luck and all the best
Thanks Chris! This has really been a long time coming. I wish I had been strong enough from the start to really be open to others about what my fears were. As always better late then never. I hope this gives other people the courage to do the same. Thanks for the read!
Hey girl! I just wanted you to know I nominated you for the Leibster award! You can find my post that is full of nomination guidelines here:
https://whoaskedheranyway.wordpress.com/2015/08/03/if-youre-not-growing-youre-dying/
Happy blogging! I look forward to following your journey š
xoxo
Amanda
Amanda! This is so amazing. I read your comment half asleep last night and only saw the last part so when I came back this morning to reply I was so pleasantly surprised to see Iād been nominated by you! Thank you thank you!
Really inspiring post, thank you for sharing. I too have emetophobia, though I didn’t know it had a name until I was in university. I would play it off as being squeamish, but knew it wasn’t normal because I would feel tense at events like amusement parks, on buses, at kids’ parties and anywhere else that would have a high (at least in my head) likelihood of someone getting sick. I’m even afraid to babysit because of it, let alone have children. The worst part is that people think I’m just being dramatic, but I know it’s something more. Fortunately it has gotten better over time and is at a point now where I can live a normal life.
Thank you for sharing your story Jennifer. I can definitely relate to the tenseness you feel in certain situations. I’m happy your phobia has gotten better over the years. I think this always happens more and more when we learn to accept some of the things that make us different!
Good on you for being so upfront and honest. I had panic attacks during uni which saw me severely limit for social life and miss chunks of uni. Mental illness is real and can be so tough. It is learning to know your monster as you said. You got this xx
Thanks Ruth! I think its amazing how mental illness is something that’s being talked about more and more. Hopefully the more light we all shed on the subject the less isolated some of us will feel!
What! I have never heard of this! What a strange thing to have to deal with. Good for you for seeking therapy and knowing yourself well enough to know something was wrong.
It’s definitely one of those things that doesn’t get quite as much air time as other more common phobias but there are definitely those out there with it! Now maybe if you encounter someone with this phobia you will have an insight into what that means for that person. Thanks for the read Jessi! š
Thank you for sharing this, I’m so glad to have heard your story.
Thanks Laurel! Check back soon for more!
Hi! Sharing my emetophobia post on HuffPo has put me in touch with so many other people in the same boat! My phobia ebbs and flows, too! I’m sorry you are facing this too, but it’s nice to feel less alone in the battle! x
Agreed! Thanks for coming over to my small neck of the woods and reading! I think the more people open up about mental illness the better it will be for all of us. There’s a lot of stigma especially around phobias/anxieties people may not understand. We’re not alone and by speaking out hopefully we give hope to others!
You describe this so well. I think it is fascinating, especially being able to somewhat trace a fear back through the years. Sometimes things start small and escalate. I have two phobias, blood and spiders. Quite common I think. But reading your post, I also see something interesting, I also don’t like to eat in front of people, only my family and I use avoidance behavior well, quite a bit really. Anyway, I have really enjoyed these two posts I have read. Looking forward to following along. š
Hey Colleen! Funny that you mention the avoidance behavior. I feel like even though I wouldn’t categorize my anxiety as “generalized social anxiety” I do partake in a lot of those behaviors. A lot of other people I’ve spoken to do as well. I feel like it might be an issue with feeling out of control of a situation with others. We can control ourselves and our actions but not others. Keep pushing forward with your phobias š we are all in this together!